none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
