Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
