Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
