Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
