I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
