**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
