he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
