Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
