I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
