her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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