Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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