Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
