I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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