6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
