Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
