don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
