You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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