i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
