i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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