worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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