That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
