My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
