I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think my moral compass just broke
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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