remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
