I saw his package. It spoke to me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
