The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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