APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize