The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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