Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
