I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
