I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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