There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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