Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
