Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
