i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
