What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
