totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
