meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
