You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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