i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
