Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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