I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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