I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
