well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize