I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
