She is in my trunk
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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