We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
