Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
