The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
