He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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