I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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