There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
