He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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