I wish I could punch you in the face.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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