WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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