Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
