Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
