K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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