one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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