Betty ford says i'm here all night
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
