I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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