One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
