you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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