I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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