my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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