Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
