Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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