i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
